Syazana A.Bakar’s Weblog

I got my paycheck today!!! And I already bought two tops. hahaha!

So we ordered pizza and I am effing full right now. I’ve been having this damn headache all day and its not going away. I think I’ve been thinking way too much about all this shit and it has to stop. Meh.

I cannot wait for attachment to end.

I’ve no idea how much longer I can put up with this.

Why wont you take me away.?

At 10am:

Ming: eh Syazana, how to make the line thicker?
Syaz: (Goes over to his computer to change the settings)
Ming: Eh, you smell damn nice.
Syaz: hmm? (I feel weird at this point cos Ming NEVER says nice things to me at all)

Later after lunch @ 3pm:

Ming: (Having problems with photoshop again) Eh, how to move this whole thing together.
Syaz: (Goes over to his computer to help) You must highlight this whole layer. How many times must I tell you?
Ming: Eh you smell fucking good.
Syaz: ………..
Ming: You’re the only malay that smells so good.
Syaz: WTH, bloody racist. Are malays supposed to be smelly or something?
Ming: No, they have that malay smell. Like, you know how Indians have the Indian smell?

Honestly, I never knew malays had a smell. But oh well, at least Ming thinks I smell good. haha.! Considering the amt of times he actually bullies me, he is being damn nice to me today. lol

I got my results today. It was AWESOME. Ive got all Cs and one D. hahaha. This kind of shit result. Sigh, I am disgusted by my results but am damn thankful I didn’t fail anything.
Need to get my priorities right next sem. Meh

Ayah is not happy at all and he is making assumptions as to why my results suck so bad this time but I am in no mood to care. If you think this doesn’t sound like me, it probably isn’t.

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I have been quiet because I didn’t want to risk saying the wrong things again. I have been thinking.. since that very day. I am still shocked by what happened.

Never in my whole life, have I ever cried and begged a person that way. I am hurt that you kept insisting to go on with it even after I’ve apologised and begged over and over again. You only gave in at the very last minute. I cannot help but wonder if you intentionally wanted to see me that way for as long as you can just to punish me.

It is unfair to punish me like that. You knew how scared, guilty, worried and desperate I was but you still punished me for it. I am not angry, I don’t have the right to be. I just feel, I feel that I do not know you anymore. This person I’ve kept close to me for years, is not the person I thought he was. I’d never think you would do that to me. But you did.

Which is why, I cannot look at you the same way anymore. I do not feel the familiarity anymore. I don’t know you, I really don’t.

I am about to faint.
Physically and emotionally drained.

Need.that.damn.massage..

So damn sick and tired of arguing about the same old thing.
Maybe its just me. Or you

Sigh

Attachment has been driving me nuts. I am so damn exhausted at the end of every single day. At least I have Ming to keep me sane. Trust me, when racist jokes/remarks regarding malays actually sound funny to me, you can pretty much guess how work is no fun at all.

Ah but Ming scares me when he’s sleepy/hungry. He’s like 10000x worse than me when I am hungry. SERIOUSLY!

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Sigh. I miss my Aisyah, As and Fi! I have no idea when I will ever have the time to meet them.
Meh

Nash is off to camp. Heh heh.